The 90's by Sarah

Cheese Bread Sticks

March 9, 1991 | Tacoma | Age 13

Dear Journal,

All is as it should be, I just finished cleaning the living room, dining room, kitchen, bathroom, and my bedroom, and I'm all set for tomorrow! It is 11:15. At symphony, I did "fair" considering I hadn't practiced for almost a week before and they didn't have cheese bread sticks (like last time) for after-snack!

Jenny is such a sweet person, too. She is my stand partner. Well, must settle down, big day tomorrow!

Yours Until We Meet Again,
S.E.H.!

*
Nothing
Organization
to get you
moving!

Missing Something

March 1, 1992 | Tacoma | Age 14

 

Dear Diary,

I really have many fears.
I fear that I may truly fail
in school - and that a boy
that I like may despise me - or
even worse, that he will truly like
me back, and that I will somehow
ruin our relationship.

I fear that
my styles are unoriginal- or that
father thinks that I am an idiot - and
that brother will grow up deprived
of "me" due to business. I fear that
I try too hard - or try not enough
- and that when I am old, no one will
know the me of youth (me now).
I fear that I am missing something
important - or that I am causing
someone to lose faith in me - and
that I really do not matter.
But most of all,
I fear, my reality self
Indeed
SARAH

Jesus Jones' New Tape

February 29, 1992 | Tacoma | Age 14

Dear Diary,

Should I feel offended or as though I am being complimented? Today, Simone went out and purchased Jesus Jones' new tape DOUBT - which I have now had for about 6 months, and have been raving about lately. Never before has my music meant so very much to me. I feel almost violated that Simone would do this - even though I really do not have any control over such a thing. Simone has always felt concerned that others would "swallow me up" (long before they were "in", I longed for Berkinstocks; I have been wearing crystals for a few years now and many are being worn now also; etc.).

Simone would despise me if she even slightly knew of these thoughts. I can tell that the aspect of me thinking that she was even remotely following behind me would cause conflict. Neither of us are "followers," but I certainly am right behind my beloved [cousin] Rebecca. This does not bother me. But I wonder if it effects Rebecca when I adapt "her" music (Depeche Mode, Black Crowes, Edie Brickell and New Bohemians, La Tour;,etc.). Actually, I don't believe it does. I must ask her.

Oh, Dave Stern called, remember the guy who who liked me so much last year? He has moved to Puyallup. Even so, he "asked me out." What could I say? I haven't seen him for almost a year. I told him I'd like to talk to him again - I enjoy invoking such fear into other souls. No, I do like to talk to him. He is a nice kid.

Here's to you Dave.

Sarah Hoopes

Completely Deprived

February 28, 1992 | Tacoma | Age 14

Dear Diary,

Why does she do these things to me? Tonight at the movies with Ruby and Simone, Ru told me that she "says things" to Mark quite frequently when I am not around.

My biggest fear is that she will ask him to "ask me out." Mark undoubtedly thinks I talk about him all of the time - I don't. I think about him - but that is different. Unlike most, I don't just like Mark in the conventional, "oh-mi-gosh, he smiled at me in the hall" way (not to say that [those] things don't affect me).

I guess I am just screwed, aye? I am never going to tell another soul how I feel about guys. Ruby is convinced that I am completely deprived of everything if I don't have the guy I "like" as my "boyfriend." Not so! There are more things involved than such - things I wish I could tell him, or do with him. I doubt he ever even considers me. 

- Doubt - Tears - Sarah -

Velvet Mystique

February 27, 1992 | Tacoma | Age 14

Dear Diary,

Nothing delights me like pure darkness. Here is cool, quiet - silent, mine. Only in its velvet mystique does my mind dare wander without fear of the piercing reality of daylight. Night suits me fine.

Oh, I want to talk to him. Each night I listen to my music, delighted with the aspect that he too may be listening to the same. I want to talk to him. I want him to see me.
Why am I destined to wait?

Please may it all work out.

-ME-

 

Oregon Does That

February 24, 1992 | Tacoma | Age 14

Dear Diary,

Oh, how I desire his companionship. Mark would make the greatest friend. They think we would be the perfect couple-- but that is not what I want. I want to talk to him-- I believe he is like me in a way. Oregon does that.

I fear intrusion from outsiders whose intentions are honorable-- but truly I fear a romantic relationship with Mark. You see, Mark's self means far too much to me to waste with the silly "going-out" rituals and so forth. And I would be afraid that-- he being my first [written with shivering letters:] boyfriend, I might do something wrong.

I do not want to waste him. Please do not consider me frivolous; if I am, I do not mean to be.
Sarah

Carnal Pleasures

February 16, 1992 | Tacoma | Age 14

Dear Diary,

I have never considered carnal pleasures to be all that evil. Of course, I have not yet indulged in such things, but really, for God's sake, such a deal over a simple delight.

There is certainly a distinct line between sex and love; one is true, one is false. Additionally, there is the important factor of responsibility. But don't expect that we are all perfect children, with cotton in our ears, and wool over our eyes. This is an age of discovery-- you survived it. Give us the freedom we earn, and remember: you survived it.

For my daughter, or son
someday. To prove that
I was not always a
mother

Sarah Age 14

Saving My Romance

January 26, 1992 | Tacoma | Age 14

 

Dear Diary,

Oh, for joy (Ren & Stimpy Show copyright) another pathetic week has come to a close. Yes, I have not written for the past 7 days - I have been so very busy preparing for report cards.I am quite ready for this fresh and long awaited new week: the returning of regular P.E. (with M.S.S.), the ending of earth sci., and the beginning of ART! I am thrilled!

The dance last Fri.? Nothing special - I am saving my romance up for  Valentine's Day dance!

P.S. I look forward to seeing Ian in English, Sam in P.E., Jaime in History and Mark Hist. too.

What a pathetic entry!

Sarah Hoopes

I Speak Candle Flames

January 19, 1992 | Tacoma | Age 14

Dear Diary,

Am I real? Am I true? Am I sane?
I am the true Real. But sane?
I am sister to the moon.
The true believer am I.
I see with my mind.
I see you with my mind.
I have no true fear.
The night is my lover.
My door rarely opens.
I am fixing the hole where the rain gets in,
and stops my mind from wandering.
This is me...
I speak candle flames.
I cry to mirrors.
I dream true dreams.
But sane?

This is me.

Sarah Hoopes